How to Forgive Yourself and Others

Have you ever found it difficult to truly learn how to forgive yourself or others?

You are not alone. Forgiveness is something that many people say that they practice, but not everyone has truly forgiven.

Whether it was something hurtful done a long time ago or an action you took that you regret, forgiveness will allow you to let go of the emotional baggage that will prevent you from being the best mom and woman you can be.

My guest shares her story about forgiveness and steps you can take to begin the process of forgiveness today.

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About Karen

Karen is a married mother of 3 children. She is an avid reader and loves to read mysteries and biographies.

You can find Karen watching the first 48 or Flea Market Flip on her downtime. Karen is also a stress relief coach.

She provides simple stress relief and forgiveness strategies to the everyday woman so that she can live in the end anxiety-free life on her own terms and hopefully get to the other side of happy because that’s what we all want to be.

Karen believes we all want to be happy and she wants to help more women get there.

Karen’s story about forgiveness.

When Karen was 12 years old she was attacked. Luckily when she told her mother, she handled the situation.

But Karen was angry.

Like most 12-year-olds, she didn’t know how to process her anger.

As a result, she took her anger through her teenage years and early adult years.

And it showed up in my marriage. And my husband was like, “what’s wrong with you? What’s going on with you? Why are you so angry? Why are you, why, you know, why are you, why aren’t you doing these things? 

Karen realized that she was angry and didn’t know why.

She couldn’t answer her husband when he would ask her what’s wrong with you. Karen also began to notice that she was writing angry sad poems in her journal.

So, Karen ended up going to therapy and getting help.

This is where she learned she was still carrying around the weight of hurt that happened to her when she was 12 years old.

Karen knew that she was not the only woman going through this. So she decided to create something to help other women with forgiveness.

Do I have a problem with forgiving?

Before you think that you don’t have a problem with forgiveness and this is really something that you want to share with your bestie or little sister, think about someone that has done something that hurt you. 

Now pay attention to your immediate response.

Now this person that you just thought about needs your help.

Will you help them?

If your immediate response is no or you just got an attitude, you probably have some unforgiveness that you need to deal with.

Some of the key things to look for to determine if you have an issue with forgiveness is 

• if you are holding on to the situation
• if you are still angry with the person or situation
• if you are holding a grudge against that person
• if you have resentment

The true test is to wish the person well or say something nice about the person that has hurt you or doing something wrong against you.

“Let’s say, for example, it’s your BFF from college and she did something so unimaginable to you and you cannot wish well when she gets married, you have a forgiveness problem. Or she has a new baby, you cannot wish her well, there’s something there and it needs to be addressed.”

Forgiveness allows you to live without grudges, resentment, and guilt.

When you walk around with grudges and resentment, you can’t truly be happy.

And you can’t truly live free and in the present because you’re holding on to something from your past.

Take some time and reflect and think about the people that you need to forgive. Then let’s move on with the forgiveness process.

Forgiving yourself for past mistakes

Maybe you don’t have a problem with forgiving others, but you have a hard time forgiving yourself.

As moms, we’re so hard on ourselves. It could be, maybe we, we punished. We issued out a punishment that was too severe.  Or we didn’t, we didn’t take the baby to the doctor when the fever was too high or we didn’t. We didn’t advocate for the baby or something.

Being a mother is challenging and we are going to make mistakes.

Unfortunately, our children didn’t come with specific instructions manuals on how to raise them, so we have to do the best that we can.

But don’t beat yourself up about it. Especially when you’ve made a mistake.

Because you are reading this, I know that you are a gracious woman. So, don’t forget to extend that same grace to yourself.

Karen explains how to forgive yourself simply. Even though it is simple that doesn’t make it easy.

We do have to just realize we have to, we have to reflect on what happened. And we have to say, you know what? I did this, but it’s okay because what did I learn from? What am I learned from it? And am I better? Am I a better mother from it? Yes, I am a better mother from it. I’ve grown from it. I’m a better mother from it.

Karen reminds us to we have to give ourselves patience and grace. Then celebrate the better mother and woman we have become.

That’s how we forgive ourselves and let it go. Put it over there, leave it over there, smile about it later.

How to ask for forgiveness from your child

Karen brought up a story about how she hurt her son when he was little and now that he is a grown man she realizes that she made a mistake. And has since asked for forgiveness.

But we still gotta deal with it. Even like later on in the journey. Example of that, we don’t deal with the things that we do with our littles when they’re toddlers. He is a prime example that they don’t forget.

I know this is different for some parenting styles. But you want to address things now. Even if your child is a lot older and you think they don’t even care anymore, still ask forgiveness.

So you’re wondering how to ask for forgiveness from your child.

First, connect with your child and really take responsibility for what you did. This is not the time to make excuses. Kids are smart. They can see right through it.

Next, share ways you will avoid making the same mistake. Then apologize and ask for forgiveness.

Easy, right?

The steps may be simple, but it is still hard to do. But I know that you can do it.

The first step of the forgiveness process

So you’ve identified that you have unforgiveness that you need to deal with. The first step is to reflect.

Reflect on what happened.

Karen used a situation that just happened as an example.

“We had this big blow up. Well, what was my role in it? What do you know? What did, did I start it? Did I incent it? Did I fuel the fire? You know, what was my role and what did I do? What did I have a role in it? What could I have done? What would I have done? Would I have done anything differently? Would I have left things late? The chips fall where they may, you know, Karen, what could you have done differently?”

Take time to really reflect without judgment.

“Without judgment. Yes. That without that judgment, that is key. Without that judgment, cause we put that judgment in there, it kind of messes up everything. It just, it messes up your whole perception when you add that judgment you can’t see, you can’t see straight everything.”

Remember that forgiveness is a choice and sometimes doesn’t happen instantly. So give yourself some time.

Want to learn the steps to forgives and Karen’s 5 step strategy? Check her out at KarenDoniere.com. You can also find Karen on Instagram and Facebook.

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