Real Happy Mom

Practical tips and encouragement for moms

How to Prioritize Yourself WITHOUT Feeling Guilty

Many of us have been raised and grown up to see those around us give themselves selfishly every day and sometimes even make themselves responsible for other’s happiness. As a result, many moms feel guilty when they are putting themselves first and not others.

At one time or another,  you probably felt guilty when you made yourself a priority. You know, when you want to get out of the house without your kids and have some alone time, but your kids begin to cry and beg and plead for you not to go.

Or maybe you felt it when you’re playing with your kids and felt guilty about being bored to have to read that book again or help build that blog tower.

There’s a way to prioritize yourself without feeling guilty. My guest today, Kate House, shows us how to do just that. Kate is a coach and the podcast host of Live by Design, where she helps women get out of overwhelm and get unstuck so that they can live by design and not by default.

In this episode, you’ll learn how to prioritize self-care daily so that your mind, body, and soul are nourished, all by doing small habits and routines.

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About Kate

Hi friend, I’m Kate House! By day you can find me running around our small town of Gettysburg, PA with my two little boys as a stay-at-home mom and wife to my college sweetheart.

And by night I’m the host of The Live By Design Podcast, health coach, educator, meditation enthusiast, slow-but-steady-runner, and creator of my women-focused personal growth group – The LBD Collective.

It’s my purpose in life to help others release personal-growth overwhelm, get unstuck, and finally take the action to launch you in the direction of your dreams. Together, let’s live by design, not default.

Connect with Kate

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Or by visiting this link with the coupon code already applied.

Links Mentioned in This Episode

⭐⭐⭐GET MINDFULNESS IN MINUTES⭐⭐⭐
Get the book, Mindful in Minutes: Meditation for the Modern Family: Over 100 Practices to Help Families Find Peace, Calm, and Connection. Slow down, calm down, and come together with this complete guide to meditation for the whole family—featuring targeted practices for parents, teens, and kids of all ages. Get the book here:
https://a.co/d/fsisAEL

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Transcript of this Episode

Toni-Ann Mayembe
Many of us have been brought up and grown up to see those around us give themselves selfishly every day and sometimes even make themselves responsible for others happiness. As a result, many moms feel guilty when they are putting themselves first and not others. At one time or another. You probably felt guilty when you made yourself a priority. You know, when you want to get out of the house without your kids, and have some alone time, but your kids begin to cry and beg and plead for you not to go. Or maybe you felt it when you’re playing with your kids and felt guilty about being bored to have to read that book again or help build that blog tower. There is a way to prioritize yourself without feeling guilty. And my guest today Kate house shows us how to do just that. Kate is a coach in the podcast host of live by design, where she helps women get out of overwhelm get unstuck, so that they can live by design and not by default. Hey there, my name is Tony and and I am the host of the real happy mom Podcast, the podcast for busy working moms who need help with time management and achieving their big goals without pulling their hair out. And fun fact about me my favorite color is green, but you’ll often find me wearing pink. In this episode, you’re going to learn how you can prioritize self care daily so that your mind body and soul are nourished, all by doing small habits and routines. But before we jump into this episode, I wanted to share with you a resource that will be helpful for your mind, body and soul. And that’s Kelly Smith’s new book called mindful and minutes. Meditation for the modern family over 100 practices to help families find peace, calm and connection. Kelly’s book helps families of all kinds learn how to use meditation to cope with everyday struggles of being a person who’s also a part of a family, covering topics ranging from quieting the mind and managing stress to handling resentment and cultivating compassion. This book offers specialized practices for each family member by age, adults, teens, older kids and small children. Whether you’re a meditation beginner or a long term practitioner, this book will help you and your family feel calmer, happier and more connected. So make sure to check out the link in the description to get your copy today.

Kate House
So my name is Kate house. And I like to say that by day you can find me living in my small town of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, and I’m chasing around my two little boys, I have a four year old and a five and a half year old, that half is very important to him five and a half. And I’m chasing them around and our two dogs and I’m married to my college sweetheart. And by night, I am the host of the live by design podcast where we are all about Living by Design and not by default. And then in addition to the podcast, I’m a women’s empowerment coach. So I have a group coaching program on one on one coaching, as well as digital courses. But really, I am all about helping women, ditch those feelings of overwhelm, get unstuck and take real action in the direction of your dreams.

Toni-Ann Mayembe
I know as a coach, you work with a lot of moms that deal with feeling guilty, especially about feeling guilty about taking time for themselves. So how can we start to overcome this guilt and understand the importance of self prioritization? So that we can be our best?

Kate House
Oh, I love this question. Because I don’t know where this comes from. But this, I find that so many of the moms that I work with, and even myself that I’ve experienced this, we feel that guilt taking time for ourselves, it’s like we want to be giving and giving and giving to others. And that comes from such a great place, like, you know, we’re pouring into our children and our partners and our couriers. And maybe we’re caring for elderly parents or grandparents, you know all the things. But we end up burning the candle on both ends. And we get to the end of the day, like I don’t know, if you’ve had a day like this, we get to the day, it’s like 10 o’clock, you just got the kids like all the everyone’s down the kitchens, mostly cleaned up, and you’re exhausted and you realize, like, oh, my gosh, I haven’t actually taken any time for myself today at all, like, I ate my lunch in the car while I was driving to the next thing or like, you know, it’s just like a day where you’re just like constantly on the go, and you get to the end and you’re just like, I’m too tired to engage in any kind of self care activities, right? And you’re like, I’m just gonna sit and watch some Netflix and then nothing wrong with that. But then sometimes, you know, it spirals like we stay up too late, because we just want some time for ourselves. And then we’re tired the next morning and the cycle repeats itself, right. And so I have found the best way as a busy mom to prioritize myself is in the small pockets of time because like, you can’t pour from an empty vessel so you can keep giving and giving and giving. But eventually you’re gonna get to that season of burnout. And so what if we can layer some time into our day in small pockets of time that can help us just nurture and love ourselves well, to help kind of prevent that crash and burn and so my biggest suggestion for busy moms is to start with 10 minutes at a time. Because sometimes we fall into this trap of either perfectionism or all or nothing thinking. And we’re like, Well, if I can’t work out for an hour, it’s not worth it. But like, I don’t know about you, but like, I do not have 60 minutes to do like anything. No like, but I could go for a 20 minute walk, or I can do a 10 minute yoga class, right. And so I like to start small and build from there. So I am a huge fan of like setting a 10 minute timer on your phone, it’s kind of like parenting yourself, like, set a 10 minute timer. And I love choosing something that nourishes either your mind, your body or your soul. And that can look different every day, like there are days when like, nourishing my body looks like a really gentle stretching session. But there are days when nourishing my body looks like doing a workout with some heavy weights. And that feels really good, right? So it depends on the day, there are days that nourishing my soul looks like sitting down and reading like a romanticist style book, you know, and it’s just fun, and I just I feel lighter and brighter afterwards. And so my word of advice or suggestion is always just just start small, you know, cuz like, and oftentimes, when that timer goes off after 10 minutes, you’re like, kind of having fun. I think I’m gonna keep going.

Toni-Ann Mayembe
You brought up small pockets of time, within our day. And I know sometimes I like I don’t have any small pockets of time, but I’m pretty sure that we do. So can you help us like identify some of those small pockets of time that we can really utilize and start to take better care of ourselves?

Kate House
Yeah, absolutely. So there are a couple that come to mind. One is like before you hop in the shower. So like you’re getting ready for your day. The water is warming up, right? Like my water takes forever to get hot. And I like really hot showers. So I’m like, okay, during this minute or two, when I’m waiting for the water to warm up and like, I’m blissfully alone in my bathroom. Like, what if I just take six mindful breaths, like I was a yoga teacher for a really long time. And so I know the value like from my own personal experience, so it’s just like settling the nervous system and just like taking like a nice long breath in and a nice long breath out and doing that a handful of times and all of a sudden, I feel less anxious, I feel less stressed, I feel more present in my body. So like, that’s one example of like, a really small packet of time when you could just be like, you know it, instead of scrolling on my phone, or like calling out into the hallway at my kids or something like, I’m just going to take six mindful breaths. Another one for moms specifically that comes to mind is if you do a pickup or drop off, oftentimes you arrive, like for pickup at the end of the day, and there’s like a line of cars, right? And you park and you wait for your kids. What could you do in the car during those five minutes, those 10 minutes that we feel supported for you is it like pressing play on a guided meditation, like, you know, if you’re in your car, please be aware of your surroundings. Like maybe don’t close your eyes, but like, you know, allow the the guided meditation to really help you feel calm and present right before like your kids hop in the car and you go on to the rest of your evening. Or maybe that looks like listening to Tony uns podcast right? Like listen to a podcast that’s uplifting for you like that could totally be nurturing to your heart or your soul, right? Other pockets of time to could be like, like, my boys are still little like four and five and a half right? And so at night, they want they call it cuddles. So like cuddle me, mommy. Sometimes I’m like, well, you’re adorable. But like, I don’t want to fall asleep. Seven o’clock. It’s a nice, I’ll bring a book that I’m reading. And I bring my little book light. And I’ll just sometimes even read aloud to them. So like my kids are gonna grow up as, like personal growth junkie through something I’m like, let me pull out atomic habits that I’m reading. And I’ll just, I’ll read it out loud to them. Right and and they fall asleep. And I get a little bit of that time to read for myself. So I think that there are these pockets of time that we can that are already there that we can identify. Or we can just get kind of curious with our day and be like, where could I carve out a little bit of time? Like, could I end this activity or this thing five minutes earlier to give myself a little bit more buffer time and maybe that time could be repurposed?

Toni-Ann Mayembe
Yeah, I like all of that. And I didn’t even think about reading out loud. Because it’s been many times I hate to admit this, they’re falling asleep on my son. I wanted to give us a couple of examples on the mind and soul aspect. You kind of touched on it a little bit, but just give us a few more ways that we can nourish those two areas.

Kate House
So when I think about let’s start with mind when I think about nourishing my mind. I think about like I love to learn, I don’t know about you, like probably anyone who’s listening to this podcast also enjoys learning because I feel like a lot of podcasts listening is like this way of weaving inspiration and learning into your life. And so when I think of my mind, I’m like, am I reading something that is either inspiring or encouraging or uplifting? Maybe it’s teaching me something. Or maybe it’s just for fun, like reading just for fun can be so joyful. When I think about my mind I also think about like, what am I feeding it? So like we think about our bodies and what we’re nourishing ourselves with, like the food that we’re literally imbibing. I think our minds can be really similar. So if you are feeding your mind with like, toxic people or those energy vampires in your life, or just like soul sucking, like you spend time with him, and you’re like, I’m exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically, right like, or if you’re listening to something that just like, it doesn’t make you feel good afterwards, or you’re scrolling online, and you’re following people who you just feel kind of yucky after seeing their posts for whatever reason, right? Like, how can we very purposely curate what we are feeding our minds. So maybe that’s listening to a book on Audible, right, like a fun book or one for growth, could be reading a book, it could be choosing what you watch on TV intentionally, right? And so for me, all those are ways to just nurture your mind well, and on the flip side, sometimes that means turning everything off and giving yourself a chance to like, be in a quiet and to reconnect with yourself. And so to me, like nourishing your mind is very growth oriented a lot of the times, whereas nourishing my soul, it is much more internal. And so it’s, it’s slowing down, it’s doing that breathwork it’s if you’re if you’re religious, maybe it’s prayer, for me, I love I like meditating. So for me, like meditation is really good for my soul. And my mind, actually, it helps the monkey chatter in my mind, just like chill out a little bit. nourishing your soul could look like leaning into your face, it could look like sometimes for me even going for a walk in nature, like, while that’s a physical activity, it’s also really nourishing for my soul at the same time, because I’m like, I’m hearing the birds, I’m feeling the sun on my skin, I hear the wind, like, I can feel the crunch of the gravel beneath my feet, right? It’s like a calming experience. And I hosted a summit this past spring called the goals with soul Summit. And this really interesting thing happened where, like, I had 20 speakers, and so many of them kept coming back to this idea of getting back in touch with yourself and your intuition and your inner knowing and how it’s so much easier to set and pursue a goal with soul. When you know what it is that actually resonates with you. Right? Not like what the outside world is telling you. And so to me, nourishing your soul is like, okay, how can I turn inward? How can I reconnect with myself? What does that look and feel like for you?

Toni-Ann Mayembe
I think a lot of times, we are looking out in getting guidance from outside instead of what’s going on on the inside. And I guess it does go back to a question that I really wanted to ask, which is how can we identify what area we need to nourish? Now? Are there certain things that you would say, would pop up or certain red flags or warning signs or whatever the case is to let us know like, Okay, it’s time that I do this for my body? Or it’s time that I do this? For my mind? What would you say to that?

Kate House
I have two questions that I would have you asked yourself. The first is, how are you feeling right now? Like, how would you describe it? So if you were to do just like a stream of consciousness, like how are you feeling? Is it exhausted, depleted, burnt out? lethargic? You know, like, how is it that you feel? And oftentimes we ask ourselves that, like, we’re thinking about the things that maybe have a more negative connotation, just because it’s going to guide us to where we can invest our energy, right? So for me at the start of 2023, for example, I started the year and I was like, I am so tired. And when people ask, How are you, I will be like, tired. Because my response for like five years, looks like I’m done with this, like I’m done being that like tired mom all the time. Because when I told myself that, like, it just kept perpetuating it right. And so I was like, Okay, this year, I want to feel energized. And so that is the second question. So the first question is like, how are you feeling right now? And specifically, how are you feeling? Where is the discontent? Where is the and not just discontent but where do you just feel kind of, you know, like, it doesn’t have to be horrible. Just be like, where do you just not feel vibrant, right? And then on the flip side, you ask yourself, well, how is it that you want to feel so for me, it was energized and that word has been like everything for me this year. So I started off with the first three months of the year, really focusing on my bedtime routine, which sounds silly. I’m like, I’m a grown adult. Like I needed to parent myself and implement a bedtime routine. So I was like, Okay, first I’m going to, I’m going to work on my evening routine. And then the next three months I focused on like, Okay, if I want to feel energized, what are some things that helped me feel energized Well, for me, moving my body helps me feel energized. And so I started with like, daily walks and it was like, okay, one mile, I’m just gonna go walk one mile every day. And then after that was like, a regular part of my routine was like, Okay, now I’m gonna layer in some strength training and one layer in some yoga classes, like whatever that looks like right? And so for me like I choose something specific and I usually takes me about three months to get it really well into like into so it’s a high But it’s like not something I have to think about doing. It’s just like part of who I am and how I go through my day. So yeah, ask yourself like, how is it that you feel right now? Where are the areas of unease or discontent and like, and then how is it that you want to feel? And then I think that that word like how is it that you want to feel the answer to that question is what then guides you? So if your area of unease feels like, well, I feel disconnected, or I feel like, you know, my spiritual practice, or I feel like my, my legs, my health of my soul, right? Does it feel doesn’t feel right, it’s like, okay, well, then, then maybe what you’re going to lean into is, is connection. And that looks like joining a group that you can learn with, or you can study with, or that you can come together and, and share experiences with that is nourishing for your soul, right? So allow that word. That is how you want the field to guide whether you’re pouring into you know, your your mind, your body or your soul. And oftentimes, it’s all three, right? Because we’re a holistic person, we’re like a whole self. And so this idea that a rising tide lifts all boats. So as you focus on for me energy, feeling energized, like I focused on my physical sleep, right, and then that made me feel a little bit better. And then I focus on like, my physical health. And that made me feel a little bit better. But, you know, while I’m going for this walks, I’m listening to a podcast. And that’s nourishing my mind, right. So it all kind of layers onto itself.

Toni-Ann Mayembe
I wanted to talk to us a little bit more about this help and support. Because I think it’s something that we we kind of like gloss over like, yeah, you need it, and like people know it, but they don’t truly like, grasp it and like really take it on.

Kate House
Yeah, you know, I don’t know why we so often I think as women and as moms, we feel like we have to go it alone, right? Like, we have to be supermom, we have to be able to do all the things and juggle it perfectly and never like dropped the ball, right? And oh, man, like I just can’t do it alone. It’s exhausting. And I feel like I’m constantly falling short if I try to do it all myself, right. And so for me, I think a lot of it comes down to communicating your needs. I think a big part of this, like asking for help. And getting support is just like telling yourself like it is okay to not have to carry all of this on your own and like, and you don’t have to. And oftentimes, if you talk to the people who are already in your life, they don’t expect you to. And so sometimes by actually voicing what you need, or the support you desire, it gives them the opportunity to step up to that opportunity that maybe they didn’t even realize that you needed, right. And so for me like it’s it, it comes down to like if I have a day like we were talking about like with your cycle, right, like two days before my period starts, I’m like a bear. Like the Lord help anybody who comes across my that. And I only communicate to my husband on those days. I’m like, I’m just like, I like, I’m just having a day, like, and like he’ll finish up his workday. And he’ll be like, Why don’t you like, go for a walk, like, or I’ll be like, I need an hour for myself. He’s like, okay, great. Like, go for it. Like, whatever it is you need to do. And so for me, it just comes down to like, recognizing what it is that you need. And not just like, not just pushing through and cruising through your day, and just putting yourself for last ask me for help means that you get to prioritize yourself, maybe earlier in your day or whatnot. Or before you get to that point of you’re like, I’m just burnout and I’m this like toasty little Chris, that was Kate, you know, like, how can I love myself well proactively before I get to that point.

Toni-Ann Mayembe
Now, I am really big into teams, as you know. So are there any routines that come to mind that can help us with prioritizing ourselves in taking care of ourselves better, especially when it comes to mind body and soul?

Kate House
They say that there was a study by I think it was Duke University that said that 40% of your day is executed through a habit meaning it’s like something that you do without thinking. So for example, like you wake up and you brush your teeth. Like if that’s the first thing you do every day, you don’t even think about it, it’s just something that you do. That’s a habit, right? And so, and routines are just habits stacked on top of each other oftentimes, and so at least that’s like kind of how I approach them. And so for me, I’m always like, okay, how can I make these self care routines? How can I make this nourishing of my mind my body or my soul? A habit and so for me that looks like we’re in this the season right now where like our kids are just about to start school full time, but right now I’m still in that like full time stay at home mom mode. So for me a lot for a long time. That’s like having a morning routine where from six to 7am I have time for myself and my husband’s like, I got the kids like I will feed them and get you know, get them awake and all that good stuff. And then we switch and from seven to 8am He gets time to himself and I hang out with the boys right and then that’s really purposeful time where like when I have that hour to myself, I didn’t really care for myself well but other things that we do like my husband and I have gotten into these cold plunges recently and we do that every morning now and I feel so awake afterwards. And so that’s like a routine that we have like layered in Like, our family goes outside into our backyard, my husband, I take a turn during the cold plunge and, and then we start the day from there. And so there are these little ways that you can layer in these routines. For example for me, like anytime I sit down on the couch with my kids, like they love to snuggle. I, like my husband teases me, he’s like, You created snugglers. I’m like, I just want to cuddle them all day. So this is great. So like, you know, if they’re having TV time, like mom come snuggle us on the couch. I’m like, okay, great. But I sit down, and I bring a book. And so instead of like sitting and scrolling on my phone, and like being on social media, which doesn’t always leave me feeling really great. I leave my phone, like on the kitchen island, and I sit down with a book and like, it may just be a fun book. Like, it’s not, quote, productive. I’m not necessarily learning. So even just enjoying it, right? So I’m sitting with the kids and being involved with them. But then I don’t have to watch bluee, necessarily. But I get to read a book. And that is nourishing for me. Right? So sometimes it’s about just like, adding these things into your day. Yeah, I think those are, those are some of the things that come to mind for me. But the thing that I would love for listeners to take away is like, take all this with a grain of salt, because like we are all unique, right? And we all have individual needs. So for you, for one person, it might be like, oh, I need time for prayer, or I need time to meditate or I’m like a really physical person. So for me, like moving, my body is super helpful, like it nourishes all parts of parts of me, right. And so it’s about finding the things that help you feel, like refilled like, like, your heart is lighter, your soul is lighter, you feel more energized, and whatever that word is that you want to feel, and finding a way to layer that into your day. And so sometimes that’s been really practical, like, oftentimes I find with moms especially, we’re like, well, I’ll do that at the end of the day. And then the end of the day rolls around, we’re like, oh, well, I’m exhausted. So I’m not gonna do that. You know? And so is there a way that you can layer that into your day earlier on right in the morning or in the afternoon? And so starting to think about like, what are some of the hurdles, the things that could get in the way? How can I plan for those things proactively instead of reactively? And then, how can I stay committed to this? And more often than not to I find that we can have a tendency, and myself included being like, well, if I don’t do it every day, it’s not worth it. But like, what if you did it four days out of seven, you know, like, that’s still four more days than you’re doing now. That feels really successful to me, sometimes. Sometimes it’s about saying, like, maybe this isn’t an everyday thing. Maybe this is most of the time kind of thing. If someone

Toni-Ann Mayembe
is listening, and he’s like, I love everything she shared. I want more of it. Where can we find you online? Where can we connect with you?

Kate House
Yes, thank you so much. Well, the first thing I’d love to give to your audience is my pursue your purpose masterclass. So it’s a $97 course, that’s totally free just for you guys, if you use coupon code, real happy mom. And I’ll give Toni-Ann the link for it. So you guys can hop in there. And it’s a course all about debunking this big word of purpose and making it much more approachable and doable and not so scary. We take time to establish your core values and to audit your calendar. And like we talked about a lot today to take that messy action, just to take that movement forward. And to release that tendency towards perfectionism that so many of us can have. So that’s the first place to start is grab the masterclass, hop into there, start learning alongside of me. But yeah, so you can listen to the podcast, the live by design podcast with Kate house, Tony, and is one of our upcoming guests. So we’re super excited for that. And then my website is Miss Kate house.com. So that’s m s, Kate house.com. Spelled just the way that it sounds and that’s where you can find my podcasts, my courses, my coaching all the things and I’m over at Miss Kay house on Instagram.

Toni-Ann Mayembe
Now that’s it for this episode, make sure you head over to Real happy mom.com/ 212 for the links mentioned in this episode. And join me next week for another full episode. Next week. You’ll get to hear from Gamecocks and we’ll talk about the tools you need to reach your big goals by the end of the year. That’s it for now. Take care and with lots of love

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