Real Happy Mom

Practical tips and encouragement for moms

The Mind-Blowing Difference Between Self-Care and Self-Preservation

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When you hear the word self-care do you roll your eyes?

For a while, I was the same way because the images that I saw about self-care looked like spa days and luxurious bubble baths.

Then I learned what self-care was really about and things changed. My guest, Shayna and Tracey, talk about a new way of looking at self-care in this episode.

And in today’s episode, we talk about:

  • How Shana and Tracy got started with a Pump and Dump Show
  • A few things that they learned from getting the show started.
  • The importance of asking for help.
  • The importance of self-care and why they prefer the term self-preservation instead.
  • Letting go a mom guilt
  • Some really funny things that they find in motherhood that you can laugh at and not take yourself so seriously

Check out this full episode to learn more about self-preservation and get a few laughs in.

About Shayna and Tracey

Shayna and Tracey are the hosts of the Band of Mothers Podcast and creators of the nationally touring comedy show for moms “The Pump and Dump Show.” They founded Band of Mothers Media to continue their mission to spread generosity and humor, mom to mom, because we are all just doing the best we can.

Connect with Shayna and Tracey

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Transcript of this episode

Real Happy Mom 0:02
Hey there, and welcome to a Real Happy Mom podcast, the weekly podcast for busy working moms to get inspiration, encouragement, and practical tips for this journey called motherhood. My name is Tony in and you are listening to episode number 140. Hey there, and welcome back to another episode of the Real Happy Mom Podcast. I am super pumped to be back on here again. And the reason why is I have two very fun ladies that I’ll be talking to you today in this episode. And I don’t know if I’ve ever shared this with you. But one thing that I guess I can call like, my lifelong dream is to become a comedian. I really want to do stand up comedy and like travel all over the place. And it’s crazy because my husband always gives me a hard time. It’s like you’re not funny. But it’s okay, because I know some other people that think I am. Anyways, I have two very funny ladies on today. And they are definitely going to make you smile. If not, they will at least let you like start to crack a smile over here at some of the things that happen in motherhood. And in today’s episode, we talk about how Shana and Tracy got started with a pump and dump show things that they learned from getting the show started. And how they got to a point where they were pushing too hard and didn’t ask for help, and the importance of accident hope. And then we also jump into the importance of self care and why they prefer the term self preservation instead. Then lastly, they talk about letting go a mom guilt and some really funny things that they find in motherhood, that they can actually laugh at themselves and not take themselves so seriously. So I hope you truly enjoy this episode and make sure if you haven’t already, that you get the ultimate WORKING MOM guide. And this guide is a free guide that I have for you. If you go over to Real Happy Mom comm slash hacks. There you will find the ultimate WORKING MOM hacks which includes six of my favorite ladies who share this one question or they share the answer to this one question which is what is one hack that makes my life easier for you and if you are trying to find a way to make my life easier, more enjoyable, and not so stressful because let’s just say like I I can always use an extra tip or hack. You definitely want to get this guide because it is really going to be helpful for you. Go over to Happy Mom calm slash hex to go ahead and grab your copy now. Let’s go ahead and jump on into this week’s episode with Tracy and Shana. All

Real Happy Mom 2:42
right, welcome to the podcast. I am excited to have both of you ladies.

Unknown Speaker 2:47
think we’re excited?

Real Happy Mom 2:50
Yes, yes. So I have a beautiful Shana and Tracy on and I’m super pumped to talk to you ladies today. But before we jump in, I wanted you to share a little bit about you and what you do.

Shayna & Tracey 3:04
Great. Well, this is Tracy. So Shay, and I first of all have been friends since the eighth grade. And it’s like a couple years ago, just a

Unknown Speaker 3:11
couple of years ago.

Shayna & Tracey 3:14
just graduated. Just kidding. I’m at that point in my life where I talk about like decades now, which is real, a real bummer. Um, so we’ve been friends since eighth grade. And after college, we grew up in Denver after college, we came back to Denver, or actually we went to

Unknown Speaker 3:33
do you need me to tell this story? Thank you. Yes. No, you can continue. You got that you got that?

Shayna & Tracey 3:39
I got off. So anyway, we started a comedy show for moms when our babies were really tiny little babies. And we just felt like we needed a night out. And we felt like moms needed a reason to get out of the house and laugh. And that was

Unknown Speaker 3:55
in 2012.

Shayna & Tracey 3:57
Yeah. So when our when our kids were super, super tiny. And we started in a bar in northwest Denver and really just as a lark like is something to do and a way to get our brains back and feel like women. And that first day that first night 75 people showed up to watch the show. And the next night we did it the next time we did it the next month, the whole place was packed and people were asking for reservations for groups of like 15 or more. And fast forward. We ended up doing two shows a month in Denver for a couple years. Then we toured with the show nationally across the country to all the comedy clubs and theaters you can think of. And then a couple years ago, we decided to take ourselves off the road and we’ve always wanted the puppet show to be accessible for everyone. So we self produced a cast out of Chicago and another cast out of LA and sort of pass the torch to other mom comedians to tell their stories with the pumping them show. And that was all going great until 2020 when we had to cancel everything And in the middle of COVID, we created Bana mother’s podcast, which is kind of a continuation of our conversations that we have with the pumping them show. And we just explore what it’s like to be a woman who also happens to be a mom. And that’s our podcasts. So that’s our very quick, second review of our lives.

Real Happy Mom 5:22
Yeah, I love it. Love it. And the one thing that I love is the show that you guys started. And I was just wondering, in particular, if there was anything going along that, you know, didn’t really go as planned, but you’re glad that you’ve learned from it when you were starting that show?

Shayna & Tracey 5:43
Oh, my gosh, I don’t think anything when we’ve made

Unknown Speaker 5:45
all the mistakes? Well, you know, it’s so interesting, it was the whole thing was really organic. Like, when we set out to start the show at this bar for free in Denver, we never imagined that now we would own that we would have founded panda from others and media and like have a bond market, you know, like we it was, it was such an organic, organic and slow growth. So really, it was the things we realized later that we could have been doing easier on ourselves. Like, for example, Tracy and I never traveled for like the first three or four years with any help. So we would be like, on our hands and knees and our you know, pantyhose would remember pantyhose. Like, you know, plugging in cords and, and, and teaching people how to turn on and off the lights so

Shayna & Tracey 6:30
that we had some sort of tech component to the show. And we traveled with like, I think we waited, we worked it out. And it was about 150 pounds worth of gear that we hauled by ourselves across the country on the planes off of planes.

Unknown Speaker 6:43
So it was it was more like the mistakes that we made. We didn’t know we were making and we had the back problem. Yeah, so we’d like became more successful. And we’re like, oh, we actually have a stage by stage manager, or we can make this easier on ourselves. Because it’s always been self produced. And our whole company’s, you know, run by us. We just as entrepreneurs just kind of made mistakes as we went.

Real Happy Mom 7:08
Yeah, and I can definitely see how that can be really challenging, especially carrying all that equipment. But you brought up a good point as far as getting help. And that was one thing that I wanted to hear a little bit more about, because I feel like at least for the moms, maybe that it’s just me, and I’m around the moms that feel like they’re super women, they have to do everything themselves. But what things in particular, do you find that you know, you get help with and that you’re not afraid to ask for help, I should say, so that you don’t have to do it all by yourself, and run yourself into the ground there?

Shayna & Tracey 7:43
Well, I think the the puppet show was a really great example of asking for help. And also pushing ourselves a little too hard, because we, you know, when we started when our daughter’s her son, like two months ago when we did our first show, so um, and when we started tutoring a couple years later, I mean, they were still tiny little kiddos. And we had a lot of mom guilt, getting on planes and leaving them to go fly away to shows. So we did everything we could to make the trips as quick as when they were in preschool. That meant waking up dropping, dropping them off at school, driving to the airport, flying to a new city, doing a show, getting home at one in the morning, and then getting back up at like four in the morning and taking the first flight out of that town to come back home land and Denver, go pick up the kids go home and cook dinner. And I’m glad we did it. Because, you know, it felt good at the time.

Unknown Speaker 8:41
But we could why cuz we can say we did it like there’s really should never have done that.

Shayna & Tracey 8:45
I mean, it felt right at the time. But looking back, we just we just pushed ourselves really hard. And it was. And we I think because we didn’t want to ask for help. I mean, financially, we didn’t neither one of us felt like we were in a place where we could like get a nanny or really feel that we had consistent backup, you know, when our husbands were at work or stuff like that, and it in the long run, it really compromised our health and our like our physical health and let alone our mental health. And I think that’s a it’s a good parallel to just like you said, that supermom complex that we all have that we all have to do, we have to do it ourselves. And we can work. And we can start a business and we can be performers. And we can have toddlers and we can be stay at home moms and work at home moms and do all the things and it’s it’s just not physically possible.

Real Happy Mom 9:31
Yeah, and you brought up a really good point, being just taking care of yourself. And that was one thing I really wanted you to touch on was the whole concept of self care versus self preservation. Because I find a lot of times that is something that I think we just need to get a clear definition on what those things actually are so that we know how to do better, especially when it comes to motherhood.

Unknown Speaker 9:59
Yeah, you know Tracy and I have changed a lot in the last eight, nine years that since we started the show and as one does, and meeting moms everywhere, and our kids are different ages, etc. And so when social media really took hold and ruined all of our lives, we felt like the whole hashtag of self care came with a lot of you know, it came with this kind of idea, this Instagram perfection. To us, it felt similar, it felt like, Oh, great, you just got to take a picture of going to get your nails done, when you know, ultimately, sometimes your your feet need to just go get there, you know, you need to go get your toes done. And you don’t need to take a picture of it and make the people who can’t get their toes done feel bad. So there was always it just felt a little gross, it felt a little unreal, and oh, a privilege, it felt very privileged. And so we love the term. And just to be completely Frank, we have learned to take better care of ourselves in and actually appreciate that hashtag and appreciate the idea of self care much more now that we have taken a dive into that world and really understood the importance, which is why we prefer to call it self preservation because we feel like as a mom, unless you can like really digest the concept that you will not survive. Unless you do some stuff for yourself, you will not be an okay person, you will not be the mom you want to be you will not be the partner you want to be you, you will forget that you are a woman. For those who identify as women, you need to know that this kind of care and like you’re saying, asking for help, or, like we’re saying just go in and get your toes done. Sometimes it has to happen for you to be an okay person. And that’s okay. But was is like, it’s necessary. So we thought that by hashtagging like preservation instead of self care if it had a little bit more urgency, and that that’s just kind of our our take on

Shayna & Tracey 12:08
it. And you know, we’re we always say like, I think that the gateway drug for us with self preservation was actually starting to take Bad’s, which is something that neither of us really ever did in our adult lives. And, you know, to be honest, I kind of just like poo pooed it Oh, it’s luxurious. It’s wasteful. It’s time consuming. But once I realized the therapeutic benefits and the health benefits of getting an Epsom salts bath and soaking and I don’t have a sauna, but I can sweat a little bit in the bathtub, and it’s just so good for you. And when I started realizing how better it made me feel I started to prioritize the time, for example, last night. So first of all I am, I am a morning person, I’m not a night person, like I’m happy to go to bed at 830 when my daughter goes to bed, but you know, you got to get stuff done. So I actually didn’t even get into the bathtub last night until nine and I didn’t go to bed until 10. But that hour that I stayed up later, but doing my self preservation was so much better than me just flopping in bed exhausted and sort of frazzled and unbalanced. And that’s what we mean by self preservation, and just sort of shifting your mindset around so that you can get you know get give yourself some love.

Real Happy Mom 13:20
Yeah, and I love how you talk about the the Instagram perfection because that was one thing I’ll be honest, raised my hand I kind of struggled with because when I saw self care, I saw the moms that look like they had it all together. And I’m like, Oh, well, maybe I’m not doing it right. But then I started really looking and seeing that, okay, like, what do I need? What does Tony need right now to make herself feel better, to make sure that she’s a nice person, because I have a lot going on. And if I keep doing what I’m doing, I’m not going to be very nice. And I’m going to probably ruin a lot of relationships. And so I like the whole self preservation concept. And I’m just thinking about the moms are like, okay, I hear you, Tracy, I hear you saying, uh, but, you know, what can I do? Or what are some of the things that you know, you would actually like, ask yourself like, Okay, this is probably what I need as far as the self preservation because I know I had those moms who are like, yeah, I get it, but I still need a little bit more help. Like, what does that actually look like, from for me right now? You know,

Unknown Speaker 14:21
I think that it’s really opening up your mind and letting go of that mom guilt that we all have. That’s so intense. And we talked about this all the time, because we do love bonds, and we talk about it on our podcast, but the truth is that our kids are now eight and 10. And so it is different for a mom who has toddlers or you know, who cannot get an hour to themselves no matter how hard they try. And that’s when understanding the importance of a short period of time and how much it can help. I mean, self preservation is, is walking away and taking a deep breath. self preservation is reading a book while you’re head is on a tablet, but the book happens to be inspiring to you in some way,

Shayna & Tracey 15:04
it could be just redirecting some of your Starbucks money. So you get the vitamins you’ve always been wanting, you know, it could just It can be as simple as your water intake, you know, listening to your podcast while

Unknown Speaker 15:15
you do the laundry so that you’re just disconnecting for a second. And I think I certainly am guilty of putting larger expectations like, this is a good example. Tracy was it was getting mad at me years ago, because I wanted to make a chore chart, but I’m such a perfectionist, but I wouldn’t do a chore chart with an h4 chart. He was the exit. No. So it was like she had this thing with EV her daughter. That was if she had three axes, then something got taken away. Or it was like a it was like a TV

Unknown Speaker 15:46
or something.

Unknown Speaker 15:46
Yeah. And so I was like, well, I want to try that. But in my brain, I needed to like design something really cute. And then like, like copper colored marker or like, you know, hang it up on a bulletin board, or have it is this thing that the kids would see, and trace us over my house. And she takes this piece of paper and she turns it over. And she just draws an X and she’s up there. But there’s an x. And I was like, I’m so guilty of over complicating things. So when it comes to self preservation, it doesn’t have to be a day at the spa. It literally can be a five minute a 10 minute walk with your dog. But to know the importance of it is key to know that it really is preservation. It makes you understand that once you’ve done it you have done something for yourself, which as moms, how often are you just do you stop and go? Oh my god, when’s the last time we did anything for myself?

Real Happy Mom 16:43
Yeah.

Shayna & Tracey 16:44
And in America, I feel like we we take buzzwords and then we just beat them to death until they become Excel irritating and cliche that no one wants, it has the opposite effect. So you know, right now everyone talks about breathing and breath work and you need to breathe. And I I fought it for a long time because I hate buzzwords. And so if someone tells me to do something, I’ll probably do the opposite. But then I really started realizing when I take when I stop and take a moment and actually take a really deep breath, you realize how much you haven’t breathed deeply for like the last hour or day. And it’s funny because now my new thing is, when I get out of my car, I just take 15 seconds and I look I put my face up to the sun and I just take a huge breath of air before I leave. And when I close the car door, even if it’s to get my daughter out from the back or grab stuff groceries out of the back, I just look up at the sky and take close my eyes and take a deep breath. That’s self preservation. Yeah, she looks like a crazy person. But I’m okay with that. Number we’re all hippies.

Real Happy Mom 17:49
And it’s funny you say that because I remember when it was my boss, actually, I think I was just getting super frustrated. And I was just going off about everything. He’s like, you need to breathe, you need. I was like, dude, if you think you need to breathe one more time on prom so much, oh,

Unknown Speaker 18:04
I totally get it,

Unknown Speaker 18:05
I totally get it. Now, I

Real Happy Mom 18:08
wanted to switch things up just a little bit. Because the one thing that I love about both of you ladies is the humor that you bring to things in particular to motherhood. And so I was just wondering if you had any funny stories, or just something that will help lighten things up, because I feel like a lot of times as moms, we take things way too seriously, when it comes to motherhood. So give us one of those things day, I think a lot of moms will be like, you know, beating themselves up about but just kind of see the humor in it so that we can actually smile and laugh about it.

Unknown Speaker 18:42
Um, we, that’s what a lot of our music is, I would say that there’s, there’s one, there’s a lot of music that I wouldn’t be able to talk about on your show, because it’s a tad bit not PG. But for example, we have a song and these are all available on Spotify. So you can go and look up, or Apple or Apple or wherever, wherever we have a song called Don’t make me get up. And the whole concept is that you’re, you’re finally able to sit down at the end of the day or, you know, halfway through the day when you just haven’t stopped because as moms like we never stop. And then you finally sit down and your kid is like, you have to see this fort that I built or look at this hat that I made for the cat. And, and the whole idea is that you know, I finally just sat down I love you. But I also like when you’re not around. I love it. Yeah, so that’s what a lot of our show is. Humor like that where it’s just like we all kind of laugh about the things we have in common. And there isn’t one parent out there who hasn’t just been like, Oh, my God, do not make me get up right now.

Shayna & Tracey 19:51
Please eat your food and we just try to laugh it Yeah, we just try to normalize you know in our podcasts does the same thing. We We we look at life through the lens of being a mom. So what we’re trying to do is acknowledge that we were women first that we are human beings who happened to be moms, it’s not our entire identity. And because of that, sometimes you just have days where you don’t love it, or you don’t do a good job at it, or you resent it or you’re scared and those feelings are totally okay, because you’re a human. And when you when you allow yourself to admit that then things just get real funny. Because we suck at it half the time we don’t no one knows what they’re doing

Unknown Speaker 20:36
when raising kids. You know, it’s hard. We have another song about not wanting to push your kid on the swings. Like, nobody wants to push me out on the swings. Let’s be honest.

Real Happy Mom 20:46
You are very right, because I remember I had that kid that would not get off the swing unless I pushed them. So I’m totally with you on that one.

Unknown Speaker 20:52
Learn to pump your legs. Like how long did you have to watch them just like

Unknown Speaker 21:00
you can’t get out and then pull them in?

Unknown Speaker 21:03
not moving at all.

Real Happy Mom 21:07
Yes, that is so true. That was my son that day. I think it was like maybe like six and still wouldn’t move his legs. I’m like, dude, like, seriously, like, you can’t do it like, yeah, like, Oh, I

Shayna & Tracey 21:18
totally judge your child. And then things getting real hard. Eventually they figure it out.

Real Happy Mom 21:23
Yes. He he partly did. He’s a he finally figured it out. So yes, totally.

Unknown Speaker 21:30
Yes.

Real Happy Mom 21:31
Well, thank you for that. I needed that laugh. And I am just wondering if there’s any words of encouragement or, or inspiration that you have before we sign off that you wanted to give us real happy moms?

Unknown Speaker 21:43
You know, it’s so interesting. The Are you saying that just now Tracy reminded me of something I didn’t tell you. Yeah, I have a girlfriend. We were talking about, like, how my husband is cool on the weekends about letting me sleep in. And we were talking about that in a group and I said, You know, I get to sleep in on the weekends. And then resentfully I’m like, because I wake up every single day and do everything every other morning. And my girlfriend who is a stay at home mom, she goes, Well, I sleep in on the weekends because it’s my right as a mom.

Unknown Speaker 22:14
And I was like,

Unknown Speaker 22:15
Yes, girl.

Unknown Speaker 22:18
Okay,

Unknown Speaker 22:18
like how many more like, Can we just ever just be like, you know what? I’m a mom and I work really hard at being a mom and tired. And I I get to sleep in today or I get to leave you with the kids and and take a walk or whatever it is like let’s just say that being a mom is enough sometimes.

Shayna & Tracey 22:36
Yeah. And that you? Yeah, it’s Yeah, it’s your right to sleep. You don’t being a mom isn’t punishment for a life of depravity.

Unknown Speaker 22:44
Like I only get to sleep on the weekends because I do all this other stuff during the week. Like that’s weird.

Shayna & Tracey 22:49
Yeah. It’s like a reverse chore chart. a chore chart better kids.

Unknown Speaker 22:55
words of encouragement, that encouraging sleep and ladies, that’s your courage. Now go ahead and find the data. sleepin

Unknown Speaker 23:03
Yes, perfect. That’ll work. I

Real Happy Mom 23:05
love it. I love it. Now, Tracy and Shana, if we want to get more of you, we want to hear more of what you got online. Where can we find you?

Shayna & Tracey 23:15
Well, you can find out all of our projects and all of our band of mothers community outlets on band of mothers calm. You can follow us on Instagram at at band of mothers at official at band of mothers official. And we promise you there are virtually no curated photos of us unless they’re professionally taken for business reasons. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 23:37
I tried to take just a selfie that took an hour and a half. Oh, yeah, our Yeah,

Shayna & Tracey 23:40
we don’t even know. So you’re not gonna hopefully God willing, you won’t feel bad about yourself on our page. We don’t want that. That’s cool. Um, Facebook is at the pumping up show. And then podcast is band of mothers podcast. And we’d love for you to subscribe, we drop every Tuesday. And we’d love to have you guys join us so you can listen in our conversations.

Real Happy Mom 24:06
Awesome, awesome. And I will be sure to include all of those links in the show notes. Tracy and Shana. Thank you again for coming on. This has been so much fun.

Unknown Speaker 24:15
Thank you. It’s great talking to you.

Real Happy Mom 24:18
Now that does it for this episode of the Real Happy Mom podcast. I hope you have enjoyed it as much as I have. And you actually cracked a smile or even laughed a little bit at these ladies because they are a lot of fun and so much fun to listen to and talk to so go over to the show notes and get some more wonderful goodness that Shane and Tracy have. And I promise you you won’t be let down. And if you are really approach challenge, I am going to challenge you to find one thing to do this week that will help you with the whole concept of a self preservation because that is one thing that Shana and Tracy talked about that I really want to make sure that you are implementing this week. So just do it one day, find something whether it’s taking a bath, doing some breathing exercises, getting some extra rest, hitting the snooze button, and just relaxing before you jump out of the bed and tackle the day, whatever it is you need to do to really embody this whole thing of self preservation. And if you want to get the party going and want to get some more of this wonderful goodness that we have going on here on the podcast, you definitely want to join me in the Facebook, the Real Happy Mom Facebook community. So go over to a Real Happy Mom comm slash group and you will be able to join our Facebook group and keep this party going. Take care and with buffalo

 

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